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Ka Wehi au ki ngā Wenerei

Another great book in the series by Linda Tuhiwai Smith, illustrated by Isobel Joy Te Aho-White, Ka Wehi au ki ngā Wenerei (I don't like Wednesdays) is about a boy whose brother dies on a Wednesday.  With the support of his whānau, community, kura and friends, he learns that Wednesdays will never be the same, but they will always remind him of his brother and in that way, Wednesdays are special.There are some learning objectives in the back of the book which can help parents and caregiver...

He reo iti noa ahau- I am a little voice

When I was a student, I learned a lot from reading Linda Tuhiwai Smith's academic work such as her writings about decolonisation and Māori resistance and resilience.So I was excited to see a book by her in the children's section of my local library.  It is about a boy who experiences family violence and how he feels he has a little voice.  With the help of  his whānau, a child therapist  and his whakapapa, he finds a stronger voice.It is really helpful to see family violenc...

Book Review of Farewell, Anahera

This is a unique, timeless story which will appeal to all ages.  It is beautiful, comforting and uplifting, for anyone who has lost someone they love.It describes Anahera's journey, written in her heart, as she travels between the world of the living, Te Ao Marama, and the world of her ancestors, Hawaiki.   It talks about a calling which draws her from a dreamless sleep to her marae where her whānau are gathered, on through Te Taiao to Te Rerenga Wairua.I especially recommend this boo...

Rate of Therapeutic Change

My experience is that children and adolescents usually enjoy or at least find therapy to be rewarding.  Some parents perceive benefits of child therapy straight away, some take longer to be notice any changes, and some deny that any change occurs.  What we know about psychodynamic psychotherapy is that it has a "sleeper effect" in that any changes tend to be deep and long lasting.The progress of therapy is dependent on each child and their whānau and things like child development, fam...

Emotional Validation

One of the recommendations I make to parents most often is to validate their child's emotions.  I've recently heard it called "empathetic reflection" which is a term I like better.It's the number one thing you can do to build your relationship with them, and for them to develop a strong sense of self, both of which are very strong predictors of mental health.It's not always easy to do, and it's not to be confused with letting them do whatever they want!  It needs to be combined with st...

What therapy really is

Just like when an adult is the client, children's psychotherapy goes at the client's pace.  The relationship with their therapist is where they can explore their feelings and experiences with no expectation to do anything or be anyone but themselves.  Some key ideas of individual child psychotherapy are:Their feelings and experiences are validated and accepted by the therapist, and the child feels seen, and develops a stronger sense of self.  This can lessen a sense of anxiety tha...

Networked teens

Many parents despair over what they consider unreasonably high use by their teens of mobile phones, gaming, social media and technology.It's interesting to think about why teens might be doing this.  We've heard about the dopamine hits and addictive nature of social media "likes", and the ensuing moral panic.However in many ways, networked teens are simply doing what they've always done, and we can consider their use of online networking as a way to achieve necessary developmental tasks of ...

Psyche and Academia

Psyche and Academia: Papers from 21 Years of the Auckland University of Technology Psychotherapy Master's Programmes, Edited by Keith Tudor and Emma Greenhttps://ojs.aut.ac.nz/tuwhera-open-monographs/catalog/book/10This just-released book celebrates 21 years of the AUT psychotherapy Master's programmes by presenting a diverse selection of research completed by students in the programme.  Each student has (co)written a paper which form one of 21 chapters.It is wonderful to see five of t...

The myth of parental calm

Sometimes it feels like parents are being sold a myth of calm.  So much so that it has become an industry.  There are books, experts, blankets, toys, scents who all promise calm. Caregivers are told that children need them to be calm and parents want their children to be calm. The truth is that calm has the same value as any other feeling.  Calm is not better than angry, sadness, anxiety or elation.  All emotions have messages for us.  A key developmental task as the bra...

Tips, Tricks and Tools

Often parents request that I teach tools to their children and teens for overcoming and coping with strong feelings.  Parents are witnessing their child in distress and wish to make the difficult feelings go away.  And understandably, everyone would like some relief from the anxiety that can disturb the whole family.However a focus on tips, tricks and tools can give a child the impression that they are problem, a solution is located within them and it is their job alone to get bet...

High-achieving schools can be high risk to mental health

There is increasing evidence that children attending high-achieving schools are at higher risk for maladjustment, emotional problems and substance abuse compared to national norms and that this risk continues throughout the lifespan (National Academies of Sciences, 2019). It has long been recognised that exposure to conditions such as poverty, trauma and discrimination create high risk environments for adolescents.  And rightfully we are concerned about that and put resources into trying to...

When you're waiting for help for your young person

It is extremely difficult when you seek help for your infant, child, adolescent and whānau and find that the support you want is not there.  Mental heath services in Aotearoa New Zealand are stretched, and it be hard to even get an initial appointment in the private system, let alone the public system.From time to time I need close my practice for new clients because there is only one of me and I can't possibly see all the clients that I would like to.  So I wanted to provide som...

A guide for parents -ten ways to get the most out of therapy

If you are investing the time, energy and money into child and adolescent psychotherapy, you will want to make it as effective as possible.  Naturally you will want this for the wellbeing of your young people and whānau too.  Here are some key points to getting the most out of child and adolescent therapy:1.  Psychotherapy can be a long-term process.  Most of my clients come for at least five assessment appointments and then at least six after that.  Many clients come f...

Children don't need to go outside as much as we think

Aotearoa New Zealand has just last week embarked on a strict "Level 4" lockdown due to Covid-19. Children and young people can go pretty much nowhere unless they are getting exercise in their local area, a Covid test or medical services.  No school, no hanging out with friends, and playgrounds are closed.If your child has reacted to these restrictions by wanting to stay inside all the time, don't worry.  We all know the benefits of being outside, in nature, for our mental health.  ...

Birth Time

We know that the birth experience of the infant, mother, father and whānau has an impact on mental health outcomes for all.  In the documentary, Birth Time, three women explore what it would take for all women to emerge from their births physically well and emotionally safe.   As a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I am interested in what it would take for all infants, in fact all whānau, to emerge from their births physically well and emotionally safe.  When I meet wit...

The low arousal approach for behaviours of concern

The low arousal approach is way to handle concerning behaviours where children are highly emotional, based on the principle that children do their best.  Children are learning to regulate affect, which we call “managing feelings”.  So, they are prone to concerning behaviour such as hitting, screaming and biting.  They also can be very sensitive to the feelings of others, and many times cannot differentiate between other people’s feelings and their own. &n...

The problem with "resilience"

"Resilience" is a well-used word in children’s education and mental health services at the moment.  And for good reason.  Resilience is about learning to be with difficult feelings and circumstances, and to eventually find our way back to a sense of wellbeing.  It’s about weathering the storm.  It’s important. An important role for adults is to let children have their feelings without needing to fix them.  To put in boundaries and limits an...

The power of play

Psychotherapists and psychoanalysts have long recognised the value of nondirective play-based therapy.  This is when a child is given free-reign to play with what resources they please, however they like, in the presence of a trained psychotherapist. What this looks like in my playroom, is that the child is invited to choose from resources such as a sand tray, art supplies, building blocks and a doll house, and to play with them.  Equally, there are free not to choose. &...

What children need when you divorce

Parental separation is very much children’s business as well as their parents'.  While it may be best for the family, parental separation makes children unhappy.  Yes, children are “resilient”, but children are no more likely than adults to “get over it”.  Having their family split up is always deeply disruptive and usually sad for children of all ages, from birth to adulthood. What makes a difference for children is the recognition that parents matter to ...

Options for treating depression in adolescents

Many adolescents in Aotearoa New Zealand present with depressive-like symptoms, including but not limited to feelings of sadness, loneliness, hopelessness and difficulty sleeping, eating and concentrating.  It’s important that these are treated because maintenance of the symptoms below a certain level is associated with less risk of depression in adulthood.  My experience is often medical practitioners and the general population know about and recommend CBT (cognitive behav...

The emotional impact of masks on children

Children wearing face masks, or being around others wearing face masks, is a relatively new experience in Aotearoa New Zealand because until last week we had been over 100 days free of community transmission of Covid-19. There are a few things to keep in mind for tamariki in terms of their emotional experience of masks.  For example, the masks might feel and look frightening to children, and communication will be more difficult for them, especially for young infants and children who re...

Preparing your child or young person to see me

Many parents want to know what to say to their child about coming to see me.  How to prepare them depends on your child’s temperament and why they are coming.  There are no hard and fast rules.  You know your child best, so keep reading and see if these ideas appeal.Regardless of age, it’s best not to link the visit to “bad” behaviour such as school refusal, hitting your brother or not listening to the teacher.  It’s best not to say I am like a d...

What is “infant” (0-5 years) mental health?

The term “infant mental health” can seem strange because it is difficult to differentiate the mental life of infants (this includes zero to five-year-olds) from their parents and caregivers. However, it is also abolsolutely true also that infants do have their own minds which deserve recognition and attention.   We also know that very important parts of our minds are established in infancy and childhood which have a big impact on our lives in the future.  Therefore infant...

What's the difference between a Psychotherapist and a Psychologist?

This is a question I get asked a lot.  It’s not that easy to answer because there are as many variations within psychotherapists and psychologists as there are between them, but I will have a go. Psychotherapists Generally, psychotherapy refers to any kind of therapy which is psychotherapeutic.  It normally refers to talking therapies.  Many people can practice psychotherapy, including psychologists.   However to call yourself a Psychotherapist in A...

Intensities of the bright and young

The labels of immaturity, moodiness and excessive emotionality put a negative light on children who experience life intensely.  This can become evident during family holidays, when the absence of friends and school, different routines and rhythms, travel and new experiences sees all that intensity getting funnelled onto and into family members.It can be helpful to keep in mind that these children are often, compared to the many others, more sensitive, or more excitable, in one or more realm...